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"A man wants to be healed of his melancholy, gloom, and of his
sadness. But this healing is not for you. Without your wounds, where
would your power be? It is your melancholy that makes your low voice
tremble in the hearts of men and women. The very angels themselves
cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children of this earth, as
can one human being broken on the wheels of living. In love's service
only wounded soldiers can serve. All grace, all light, all truth, all
power, and inspiration are communicated through the vulnerability, the
brokenness, and the utter honesty of men and women who have been
shipwrecked and broken on the wheels of living."
~ Thornton Wilder ~

Being broken on the wheels of living has been a common occurrence
for me it seems. But nothing compares to the brokenness of late. This
will make sense to some and to some it will make no sense at all.
We
are only men and as we all know, men sometimes fail. But when a
Christian believer falls in such a way as I, especially in the presence
of other believers, non-believers, or both, there can be devastating
effects…eternally.
Last year after a show in Germany, I let things
get completely out of control for myself. I won't get into details
here. That's why I said before that this would make sense to some (who
were there) and to others no sense at all.
Obviously just being a
mere mortal man, I have weaknesses like everyone else, and this night I
fell. Unfortunately I languished in this temptation for many
months…either not recognizing the signs of falling, or consciously or
subconsciously choosing to ignore the signs. Either way is dreadful and
dangerous.
Hypocrisy is to proclaim one thing and to live
another…. and regardless of who may have been watching, there is
nothing kept from God's eyes. So now I'm reaping what I've sewn for my
actions. It is a brutal and agonizing ordeal. Never in my
life…NEVER…have I felt the pain of such conviction.
What pains
me…and for that matter God…is that I'm supposed to be a soldier of
Christ. What I've displayed in this time was anything but what a
believer should look and sound like. To this fact I want to apologize
and repent not only to God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit...but also to
those involved and all who may have been affected by seeing me this
way.
The worst possible scenario is that I could have caused
someone that was considering a relationship with Jesus to turn away, or
cause a fellow believer to stumble by seeing my sinfulness. This cuts
to the core of my being in my relationship with God, and I can only
pray that not one person has stumbled because of me.
So now I'm on a
tough road back. I can only ask God for forgiveness and to look at my
heart and begin to dissect the contents therein. To ask God to take my
heart and put it back together in a way that's more pleasing to Him.
I also ask for your forgiveness for walking outside the lines of my personal proclamation.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us
our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (I John 1:9)."